Hot takes incoming. Don’t judge, accept my insanity, move on

Atlantic:
1. Tampa Bay Lightning
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Ottawa Senators

Metropolitan:
1. Washington Capitals
2. Pittsburgh Penguins
3. Philadelphia Flyers

Wild Card:
1. Boston Bruins
2. Columbus Blue Jackets
—————————
3. Florida Panthers
4. Montreal Canadiens
5. Buffalo Sabres
6. New Jersey Devils
7. New York Rangers
8. Carolina Hurricanes
9. New York Islanders
10. Detroit Red Wings

Central:
1. St Louis Blues
2. Winnipeg Jets
3. Nashville Predators

Pacific:
1. San Jose Sharks
2. Vegas Golden Knights
3. Arizona Coyotes

Wild Card:
1. Colorado Avalanche
2. Vancouver Petterssons (major bias alert)
——————————————
3. Dallas Stars
4. Los Angeles Kings
5. Edmonton Oilers
6. Anaheim Ducks
7. Calgary Flames
8. Chicago Blackhawks
9. Minnesota Wild

Hart Trophy
Winner: Artemi Panarin
Finalists: Aleksander Barkov, Nathan MacKinnon

Ted Lindsay
Winner: Connor McDavid
Finalists: Nikita Kucherov, Artemi Panarin

Norris Trophy
Winner: Oliver Ekman-Larsson
Finalists: Victor Hedman, Seth Jones

Vezina Trophy
Winner: Sergei Bobrovsky
Finalists: Antti Raanta, Connor Hellebyuck

Selke Trophy
Winner: Aleksander Barkov
Finalists: Patrice Bergeron, Anze Kopitar

Calder Trophy
Winner: Elias Pettersson
Finalists: Miro Heiskanen, Rasmus Dahlin

Art Ross Trophy
Winner: Connor McDavid
Runner-Ups: Nikita Kucherov, Sidney Crosby

Maurice Richard:
Winner: Alex Ovechkin
Runner-Ups: Vladimir Tarasenko, Evgeni Malkin

Breakout Players:
Alex Galchenyuk, Tyler Bertuzzi, Kevin LaBanc, Chris Tierny, Vince Dunn, Nikolay Goldobin, Timo Meier, Ryan Pulock, Mika Zibanejad, Travis Dermott, Jakub Vrana, Alex Tuch, Phillip Grubauer, Tobias Rieder, Bo Horvat, Pierre-Luc Dubois

Bounce-Back Players:
Max Pacioretty, Alex Wennberg, Tomas Tatar, Milan Lucic, Cam Atkinson, Mikkel Boedker, Carey Price, Jason Spezza

Disappointing Players:
James Neal, Ben Bishop, Tyler Toffoli, Mikael Granlund, Ryan Johanssen, Ryan Suter, Josh Bailey

Bold (like, BOLD) Regular Season Predictions:
1. William Nylander is traded for Tyler Myers in December and centres the second line of Ehlers and Laine
2. The Minnesota Wild take the NYR approach of announcing a rebuild
3. The Ottawa Senators make the playoffs, with Matt Duchene putting up 70+ points, while Tierny and Boedker both get 50+
4. The Columbus Blue Jackets trade Sergei Bobrovsky to Philadelphia before the deadline, bringing Michael Neuvirth as part of the deal. Neuvirth as well as Panarin lead the Blue Jackets from 15-20 points out of a playoff spot into one
5. Carey Price re-inserts himself into the Vezina conversation
6. Inspired by Elias Pettersson and his 80+ points, the Vancouver Canucks make the playoffs
7. The top point producer on the Leafs won’t be Matthews or Tavares, but Mitch Marner
8. Jonathan Marchessault puts up 40 goals
9. Brad Marchand finally receives a 10+ game suspension from the NHLDPS, misses beginning of playoffs
10. Zdeno Chara retires

Trade Deadline Deals:
Matt Dumba => Tampa Bay Lightning
Jared Spurgeon => Philadelphia Flyers
Mats Zucarello => Pittsburgh Penguins
Chris Krieder => Boston Bruins
Jordan Eberle => Arizona Coyotes
Justin Faulk => Edmonton Oilers
Charlie Coyle => Tampa Bay Lightning
Joshua Ho Sang => Edmonton Oilers
Jakob Silfverberg => Washington Capitals
Tomas Vanek => Colorado Avalanche
Brandon Saad => Colorado Avalanche
Ryan Dzingel => San Jose Sharks
Jordie Benn => San Jose Sharks
Kevin Hayes => Florida Panthers

Playoffs?

Atlantic Division:
1 - Tampa Bay Lightning (113 points)
2 - Toronto Maple Leafs (110 points)
3 - Boston Bruins (106 points)
4 - Florida Panthers (96 points)*
5 - Buffalo Sabres (86 points)
6 - Montreal Canadiens (79 points)
7 - Detroit Red Wings (66 points)
8 - Ottawa Senators (65 points)

Metropolitan Division:
1 - Pittsburgh Penguins (109 points)
2 - Washington Capitals (108 points)
3 - Columbus Blue Jackets (98 points)
4 - Philadelphia Flyers (96 points)**
5 - New Jersey Devils (85 points)
6 - Carolina Hurricanes (85 points)
7 - New York Islanders (76 points)
8 - New York Rangers (75 points)

Central Division:
1 - Winnipeg Jets (117 points)
2 - Nashville Predators (111 points)
3 - St. Louis Blues (107 points)
4 - Dallas (89 points)**
5 - Minnesota Wild (86 points)
6 - Chicago Blackhawks (79 points)
7 - Colorado Avalanche (78 points)

Pacific Division:
1 - San Jose Sharks (112 points)
2 - Los Angeles Kings (102 points)
3 - Vegas Golden Knights (100 points)
4 - Arizona Coyotes (92 points)*
5 - Anaheim Ducks (89 points)
6 - Calgary Flames (87 points)
7 - Edmonton Oilers (83 points)
8 - Vancouver Canucks (72 points)

*-1st Wild Card
**-2nd Wild Card

Playoffs:
Round 1:

vs.
Tampa Bay in 5

vs.
Boston in 6

vs.
Pittsburgh in 4

vs.
Columbus in 5

vs.
Winnipeg in 4

vs.
Nashville in 6

vs.
Arizona in 7

vs.
Los Angeles in 6

Round 2:

vs.
Tampa Bay in 5

vs.
Columbus in 5

vs.
Nashville in 6

vs.
Los Angeles in 7

Round 3:

vs.
Tampa Bay in 7

vs.
Nashville in 5

Stanley Cup Final:

vs.
Nashville in 5

Conn Smythe: Pekka Rinne